FAMILY APART!

I JUST READ ONE OF THESE BLOGS THAT WAS ON MY FRIEND LIST AND IT MADE ME THINK OF MY OWN FAMILY. I MUST SAY THIS IS A FRUSTRATING SUBJECT AS WELL AS CONFUSING AND HURTFUL SUBJECT AS WELL. i DON'T MIND TALKING ABOUT IT BECAUSE I ALWAYS FEEL MY ISSUES ARE SMALL COMPARED TO OTHERS. I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I DID HAVE. TO BE HONEST MY LIFE AS A YOUNG GIRL WAS SO MESSED UP FOR "ME" THAT FOR A LONG TIME I BLOCKED OUT A BUNCH OF THINGS. WHEN I STARTED TO FACE THE FACT THAT THIS IS MY PAST AND APART OF WHO I AM I STARTED TO BRING UP OLD STUFF. BUT DUE TO HOLDING IT IN FOR SO LONG MY TIME LINE IS WHACKED. SO SOMETIMES MY LIFE GETS ALL OUT OF ORDER. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START REALLY. I HAVE MY MOTHER WHO GAVE ME LIFE SO I GUESS THAT WOULD BE THE BEST PLACE TO START. MY MOTHER IS 1 OF 8 AND I BELIEVE I MAY HAVE MET ALL MY AUNTS AND UNCLES BUT TO BE HONEST I DON'T REMEMBER ALL OF THEM I REMEMBER 2 AUNTS AND 2 BROTHERS OF HERS. NOW MY MOM SAYS I WAS GRANDPAS FAVORITE GRANDCHILD BUT HONESTLY I DON'T REMEMBER HIM EITHER, OR MY GRANDMA TO MUCH ANYWAY. HOW SAD IS THAT. ANYWAY MY MOM I HAVE MIXED FEELINGS FOR. IT SHOULDN'T BE HARD TO TELL YOUR MOTHER YOU LOVE HER AND YET FOR ME IT IS!  HMMMM!! MY MOTHER RAISED ME UP UNTIL WHAT AGE I AM UNSURE BUT BY THE TIME I WAS 2 OR 3 SHE HAD REMARRIED.  NOW THIS IS A SUBJECT THAT BOILS MY BLOOD. MY SISTERS FATHER. HE HATED ME AND I HATED HIM. I DIDN'T HATE HIM AT FIRST BECAUSE I WAS TO YOUNG TO UNDERSTAND THAT FEELING. BUT I GUESS AS SOON AS I WAS ABOUT 3 OR 4 HE THOUGHT I WAS RIPE FOR THE PICKING. HMMM!  MOTHER F'ER SO HERE IS ABOUT WHERE THINGS GET CRAZY WITH MY MOM. I WAS YOUNG SO I TOLD MY MOM ABOUT HIM! WELL INSTEAD OF TAKING ME TO A DOCTOR TO GET CHECKED OR TALKING TO ME A LITTLE BIT MORE SHE ASKS HIM ABOUT IT WHILE SHE IS AT WORK AND I AM HOME "ALONE" WITH THE MAN... SO YEAH HE LIED AND I GOT A GOOD OL BEAT DOWN.  MOM SAYS HE USE TO BEAT HER BUT I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF THAT. I AM NOT SAYING SHE IS TELLING ME A LIE ALL I AM SAYING IS I NEVER SAW IT. SO YEARS PAST AND THE ABUSE WENT ON AND FINALLY I WAS IN LIKE MY 2ND YEAR OF 1ST GRADE OR MAYBE IT WAS MY 2ND GRADE YEAR. ANYWAY SHE FINALLY LEFT HIS SORRY ASS. I TOLD A TEACHER! SOMEONE WAS GOING TO SAVE MY ASS THAT'S FOR DAMN SURE. WELL IN BETWEEN ALL OF THIS I ENDED UP WITH 2 SISTERS. SO NOW MOM IS RAISING 3 GIRLS ON HER OWN. MY MOM DID REALLY GOOD. SHE LOOKED OUT FOR US AND ALWAYS MANAGED TO KEEP A ROOF OVER OUR HEADS. WE ENDED UP LIVING WITH A FRIEND OF MY MOMS AND THEY WERE INTO DRUGS I'M SURE BECAUSE ALL THEY DID WAS PARTY PARTY! I REMEMBER I ALWAYS HAD FUN OVER THERE I GOT TO PLAY OUTSIDE AND HANG OUT WITH THE GROWN PEOPLE. ONE DAY I GOT REALLY REALLY SICK FOR SOME REASON. MY MOM PACKED US UP AND WE MOVED OUT AND SHE NEVER SPOKE TO THAT FRIEND AGAIN.  ANYWAY MOM STARTED TO DATE AND IT NEVER WORKED OUT FOR HER. UNTIL SHE MET A REALLY AWESOME GUY WHO WE ENDED UP MOVING IN WITH AND HE WAS A GOOD MAN. HE WAS GOOD TO US GIRLS AND MY MOM. HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO THROW A BALL BECAUSE I AM SUCH A BOY. (AS MY MOM SAYS) HE WAS COOL. WELL HE WAS KILLED IN A AUTO ACCIDENT, BAD DEAL. MY MOM FOUND OUT SHE WAS PREGO. YEP HERE COMES MY BROTHER. NOW I LOVED LOVED MY BROTHER HE WAS SO CUTE AND FUN TO PLAY WITH. WELL TIME PASSES AND THERE IS SO MUCH IN BETWEEN I HAVE SKIPPED OVER BUT MY MOM STARTS DATING AGAIN. NOW BY THIS TIME MY FAST ASS IS PREGO AND HAD A BABY. TOOO DAMN YOUNG TO BE DOING THAT!!! ANYWAY MY MOM DATES AND SHE STARTS TO LEAVE US GIRLS HOME ALONE ALL NIGHT WHILE SHE IS LAID UP 45 MIN AWAY. I AM NOT OLD ENOUGH TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AND MY CHILD LET ALONE MY 2 SISTERS AND BROTHER. DAMN ARE YOU FOR REAL. ANYWAY SHE MAKES THE CHOICE TO MOVE IN WITH THIS MAN BUT OOOOH BUT GUESS WHO CAN NOT GO????? HELLO ITS ME, YEP I AM NOT ALLOWED TO GO BECAUSE I DATE BLACK MEN AND MY CHILD IS HALF BLACK. THAT IS WHERE MY MOM AND I PARTED WAYS AND RESPECT. WHEN SHE MADE THE CHOICE TO CHOOSE A MAN OVER HER OWN FLESH AND BLOOD HER OWN CHILD, MY RESPECT AND TRUST WENT OUT THE WINDOW. NOW THAT I AM OLDER WE TALK BUT IT IS SO HARD TO LOOK AT HER AND SAY I LOVE YOU MOM WHEN I KNOW OUR PAST LIKE I DO. THERE IS SO MUCH LEFT UNSAID BUT FOR THE MOST PART HER MATTER OF CHOOSING WAS NOT RIGHT TO ME. IT BURNS INSIDE MY CHEST TO KNOW A WOMAN CAN LET GO OF HER CHILD THAT EASY AND FEEL LIKE SHE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG. I HAVE APOLOGIZED TIME AND TIME AGAIN TO MY MOTHER UNTIL ONE DAY I STOPPED AND THOUGHT WHY AM I APOLOGIZING WHAT IS IT I AM APOLOGIZING FOR????? WHAT DID I DO????? I AM NOT SAYING I WAS A PERFECT CHILD BUT I WAS A REGULAR KID AND GOT INTO TROUBLE LIKE WE ALL HAVE. TRUE I GOT PREGO AT A VERY YOUNG AGE BUT I REALLY LOVED THAT MAN I WAS WITH HIM FOR 2 YEARS BEFORE I EVER EVEN HAD SEX WITH HIM  AND WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR SO MANY YEARS OFF AND ON THERE AFTER I FINALLY CUT ALL TIES WITH HIM 2 YEARS AGO THAT IS 16 YEARS OF THIS MAN IN MY LIFE AND MY HEART. BUT THE POINT IS MY MOM TALKS TO ME LIKE I AM HER HOME GIRL OR SOMETHING. SHE THINKS I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT HER SEX LIFE AND STUFF HER AND HER HUSBAND DOES UUUUUUHHHH NO LADY DON'T THINK SO!!!! BUT THAT IS HOW SHE HAS BEEN TALKING TO ME FOR YEARS NOW.  I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT I FEEL ANYMORE FOR HER. I KNOW WE ARE SUPPOSE TO LOVE AND TRUST AND OBEY OUR PARENTS BUT WHAT ABOUT WHEN THEY HAVE TURNED THEIR BACKS ON US AND BASICALLY LOOKED AT US AS A FRIEND AND NOT A CHILD WHO HAS NEEDED THEM FOR WHATEVER REASON? I USE TO CRY BECAUSE I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND NOW IT DOESN'T HAVE THAT AFFECT ON ME. I AM AT THE POINT I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. IF SHE CALLS COOL IF SHE DOESN'T COOL!!! SAD BUT TRUE. SHE IS MY MOTHER AND I GIVE HER THAT RESPECT BUT I CANT PRETEND TO BE OK WITH OUR PAST WHEN IT DIDN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY.  WELL IT IS WHAT IT IS AND THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY. MOVING ON FROM THE PAST I HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO RAISE MY CHILDREN THAT WAY. I BREAK MY BACK TO MAKE SURE MY KIDS ARE HAPPY AND THEY "KNOW " I LOVE THEM AND WILL STAND BY THEM THROUGH ANY ISSUE THEY MAYBE GOING THROUGH. I WILL NOT BE MY MOTHER AS FAR AS THAT GOES, THOUGH SHE HAD A STRENGTH ABOUT HER I MUST SAY SHE BECAME A STRONG WOMAN SOME TIMES WHEN SHE THOUGHT SHE HAD TOO!!! BUT EVEN SHE WILL ADMIT I AM THE STRONGEST ONE OF THE FAMILY, AND WITH THAT I SMILE! I WAS GOING TO TALK MORE ABOUT MY FAMILY BUT THIS POST IS LONG AS IT IS SO LOOK FOR POST ABOUT MY FREAKIN CRAZY ASS SISTER COMEN SOON!!!Jess