My Life in a Short Short ; )

I want to just be open right now and put a big part of me out on the table. I am not one who is scared to talk about my personal life, WHY? because if it werent for my past I wouldnt be the WOMAN I am today! I was living a fast life and For a long time I put that blame on my mother. I felt like it was her fault I went down the wrong path. My mom raised 4 children on her own for the most part! I was the oldest.  I had my first baby at 16 and I dropped out of school.  I never even took care of my child my mom did.  I ran the streets trying to figure where I fit in at 16. I wanted to be grown. My mom started dating and that is when things went bad. She dated a man who I felt like he didnt like african american people. Well I am half as white as I look I am half. My kids are all by black men. So when my mom made the move to move in with him I was not invited, So at 16 I am on my own!! I moved into a motel with my drug dealer boyfriend and thought I was doing sooo good. (PLEASE) Well he went to jail and I had no money to pay for the room so I moved in with my babies dads family that was pure hell, they didnt even really like me in the first place Grandma did she opened her home to me but they didnt like it. So here I am living in an area where no one liked me and wanted to fight me basically drug block. You either sold'em or did'em.  I can honestly say all I have been through I have never done a drug. I have never even smoked a cig. I drank a lot though and partied and had my share of one night stands. Anyway I had dreams just like any other kid but mine were cut short because of the choices I made in my life. I sold crack and and slept with men to get ahead.  Befor I was 18 I had done things and seen things that most hadnt seen at 40. I have been raped 3 times not counting being sexually abused as a child by my sisters dad.  I had been to jail 5 times before I was 20. I have been homeless with no where to sleep but on the street. I would have one night stands just to have a place to sleep at night or food to eat. I look back now and I cant believe some of the stuff I did or had to do. I also look back and wonder what I could of done different. I know I could of made better choices. At 19 I lost my daughter to the state. Again I kept blaming someone else for something that really boils down to my choices. I thought I handled the situation in the proper manner and It ends up I was wrong. So now my first child is adopted by people who live so close and yet I am not allowed to talk to her or see her. To this day it kills me. I mean All I had to do was admit defeat and ask for help and instead my pride got in the way and now my child is no longer with me.  I think that is one ofthe hardest things I have had to deal with in my life. So I got worse in my party days I drank more and went out more and slept around more. I didnt care anymore. I met my sons dad and my plan was to use him to get out of a bad situation. Well it back fired. He started beating my azz and my mom wasnt really having much to do with me so I was stuck with a man who would kick my azz for no reason but to have something to do. Anyway that went on for about 2 years. He started to smoke crack, I dont know how that happen but it did. So we moved and went to stay with his father to help him quit. We ended up moving back and I found out I was prego. So I told my mom and she finally let me come home. Now my sons dad wouldnt leave me alone and he would quit bothering my mom and her house so I moved out about 45 miles away and lived with a friend. That was another dumb move. She sold weed and so she hung with other dealers who I ended up hanging with and so on. Well one day i sold a little sack. Now if I knew that little sack would cause so many problems I would of never done it. Anyway. I moved back home and my mom help me get into an apartment. I had my son and not even a month later went to jail for that little sack. Yep ol boy was a narc. So I spent the 1st 6 months of my sons life going to court. I ended up prgo again. I had my son in april I was prego again in july. Well my but didnt know I was prego at first. Well by this time I am living with a friend and the guy I said was my babies daddy was going to pay for my abortion. Well God knows me best, I missed the appointment. I know it was because GOD knows I dont believe in them, also because someone else needed a child. I knew I was going to prison I didnt know for how long. So a lady I met who fell deeply in love with my son. Took me and my son in and her sister who has been married 15 years could not have kids. Well this lady said she would keep my son while I went away. I made the choice to give my other baby up for adoption to her sister. about 3 weeks after my son turned 1 and about 4 weeks after my little girl was born I went to prison. This is where my life changed for good. Most people go into prison scared and confused. I on the other hand was not. I am not sure why but I was ready for whatever was thrown at me. I went in and instead of letting the time do me I did my time. I went in and got into school I got my GED and was top 10 in my class. I was moved to another prison and there I went to college. I spent 2 years in prison. I came home 2 weeks before my son turned 3. I took parenting classes, anger management classes. I took a class to where I can teach adults to read. I took a writing class. I took codependent classes. I had so many classes to better me, plus my college classes! I came home and got my freedom at last out the way and then I buckeled down and went back to school. In the process I ended up prego again. Now I live with someone else and have no job. I had only been out a month. Damn I know... So again this ladys sister wanted another kid. So I gave up my other daughter for adoption. I had nothing to offer 2 kids. I could barely take care of myself. So now I finally have a job, going to school and I meet this guy!!! not just any guy someone from far off he wasnt from around here thats for sure. He took me out on my first real date and I put all my cards on the table. He asked me out again. WOW!!!! No Way!!! yep!! We have been together every since. 5 years strong. We ended up prego (Yes Again) but we lost the baby!! So we held off a year and tried again Bingo. I had a girl!!! My life is complete.

 I do not regret my past because like I said it made me the woman I am today. I love my kids ALL of them. My adoption was not hard because it was an open adoption. I see my girls when I want. I stay back because they are young and I dont want to confuse them or make their parents feel crowded. I know they are very much loved and cared for. Giving up my girls was the best choice I ever made. I love my girls with all That I have in me and I thank GOD everyday for this woman who loves my children as I do. My oldest well I cry for her sometimes but GOD does everything for a reason. I have yet to learn the reason behind that one but I will continue to put my trust in the lord and he will let me know when he is ready. I think all that I have gone through with my kids has made me love my kids I do have even more. I make sure they understand my love for them goes so much deeper then my heart. My soul my world is my children. Everything I do I do for my kids. I went through so much to become a good woman a good wife and a damn good mother. Nobody can tell me different. I could write a book and it still wouldnt be enough of who and what I am. This is the extra short version. I just want people to know No matter what you go through or what you are put up against you have a choice, you may not realize it at that time but later you will look back and think I could of done this. But your choices in life will make you who you become. Even if it takes you down the long road there is always a path back to the right road. You may have to go through swamps and climb mountains and hick through muddy waters you can get there if your mind and heart and soul want it bad enough.  positive thoughts always!!! Know one will love and care for you better then you!!! Remember that because the choice is always yours. Good luck in life and all you do it will make you a better person if you let it.